childlessstepmoms.org

This morning I was walking and wondering whether or not I was willing to share my morning musings and whether or not they would have any meaning for anyone but me. I passed by the house on the corner, the one with the bright pink door and I smiled to myself as I ‘got it’. I got what that pink door was about.

If you had asked me about the house on the corner a month ago I would have told you that the couple who lives there has three boys who are average, rambunctious and seemingly nice. The oldest goes to school with my SDs and spends a fair amount of time at our house or showing off outside of it with the rest of the boys ‘from the hood’. This is the term we’ve coined for the collection of middle school testosterone that displays itself in front of our house performing miraculous skateboard tricks, leaving messages to my SDs foot-stomped in the fresh snow accumulated on the frozen pond across the street; and otherwise endearing itself to me throughout the year. I digress. The couple who lives in the house are very industrious. I frequently see the stay at home mom working at her sewing machine in the front den in the evening. The dad is always doing something outside, putting in a patio, planting trees and the like.

 So, I wondered why the mother of these three boys would have a front door with side panels and a park bench in her yard all painted a rather dark, but quite bright pink. Well, now that I think of it, it’s the same pink of our Childless Stepmoms logo. I knew that at least the boy who came to our house took a considerable amount of heat for it from the other kids. I judged the Mom to be rather insensitive and felt sorry for her son when he would cast off the remarks with a shoulder shrug and a red face explaining it all with the two words, “My Mom”.

Just before my SDs left for the summer I asked them about the pink bench which was up on end now and leaning against the house. They explained the following to me. The dad had called the mom to put it away as the boys didn’t like it. It was at the side of the house because the mom hadn’t gotten around to taking it to the basement where it was to be repainted. I asked why the dad didn’t just do it himself. I found out that this couple has been separated for two years. The dad lives in the formerly jointly occupied very nice house in a very affluent nearby suburb with a pool and a live-in girlfriend. I had seen him doing all the things he came over to help out with and just assumed that he lived there. Mom had left the big house for a smaller one she or he evidently could afford without her working and in a neighborhood known for its good schools. I chided myself for making assumptions and didn’t give it another thought.

 Until this morning, when I walked by the house, and I smiled as I realized the door is a symbol of her femininity. She probably needs that in the house alone with three boys. It also says to that dad, a woman is in charge of this household and you are entering her territory. I thought, ‘Yes woman, you go. You remind him every time he comes to the door that you’re ok, you’re strong… protective and in charge.’ That pink door I hated was suddenly looking pretty attractive on that light grey house with the peonies in the yard. You see, I assume that since she left the house with the pool in Lake Forest that he must be very wealthy and she must have been terribly abused.

A few more steps and I realized how deeply my own assumptions and judgmental attitude had colored my perceptions of these people I know almost nothing about. I chastised myself that I can still be that way after being formally educated as a social worker, spending a fair amount of years working with the addicted and the abused and just being alive for half a century. Acceptance. I’m a work in progress. Just think how delightful I would have been without all that!

In the next block, I reconsidered the father who spends so much time helping out his ex-wife that I thought he lived there. I wondered if his live-in girlfriend was home in Lake Forest, sitting in their den overlooking the pool and golf course, intently typing on her keyboard. Is she typing about her frustration with the time and money he spends with his ex-wife and kids in a post on the Childless Stepmoms boards?

 Meditation: Please help me to set aside my assumptions and judgments about people and situations in my life. Help me to keep an open mind and remember that I may not have all of the facts. Show me that by concentrating on myself and my behavior I can effect the greatest change in my life.